Zillionaire businessman and presidential aspirant Donald Trump stunned the Fort Myers Beach community by acquiring the entire Downtown redevelopment project. “I have been closely following events, and it is time for me to take this small-time project to the heights only an egomaniac like me can attain,” Mr. Trump said. “I will soon submit my gigantic proposal.”
Plans made available only to The Island Sand Paper reveal several multi-story resorts ranging in height from 40 to 60 stories. An essential component is a 200-foot-high sea wall that will block out the view of the Gulf of Mexico as well as most of the sun.
“Actually the term ‘sea wall’ is incorrect,” Trump explained. “It is in reality a No See Wall. But Fort Myers Beach residents can rest easy because I will not ask them to foot the bill for this improvement – I will make Mexico pay for the wall and like it!”
Quizzed on why Fort Myers Beach, the real estate mogul explained, “I love Florida, which is like a 2nd home to me. I have several properties already in Florida, like Trump Resorts.at Doral. In fact, I love Florida so much that the beach is like a father to me. I guess you could call me a son of a beach!”
Trump will host proposal rallies, but only for those who agree with him and not the public, and will provide free transportation for all supporters. “I bought a 1967 Volkswagen Bug, and that should be more than enough room for everyone who thinks I am right.” He will not accept input nor take questions. “If disruptors speak, my project manager will grab them by the collar and take care of business. I do not condone violence, but wish I could punch any disruptors myself.”
When informed that he can expect general public resistance to the 200-foot-high No See Wall, he explained, “I like poor people – poor people are a friend of mine. I will paint a large mural of the Gulf on the side of the wall so everyone can enjoy the view.”
The developer calls his project “TRUMP: fort myers beach,” but explained that the moniker is not in reference to his last name: “TRUMP in this case is an abbreviation for Totally Realistic Unbelievably Magnificent Plan. Those initials will all be in huge capital letters, with the words ‘fort myers beach’ very, very small, to keep everything in proper perspective.”
TRUMP: fort myers beach, when complete, will offer 15,000 jobs, all at a pay below minimum wage. “This is ideal for the immigrant community, and everyone knows I love immigrants,” he said. “The best part will be the job turnover; every six months we will round up the workers, ship them out of the country, and start all over.” When asked where these thousands of employees will park, Trump said that is one of the perfect parts of his proposal: “Not one single person will require parking, because with what we pay, not one single employee will be able to afford a car.”
Told that these potential employment opportunities seem intended for immigrants only, Trump replied, “Several of my wives have been foreigners. No one knows better than I that there are certain jobs Americans just won’t do.”
In conclusion, Trump modestly says “I cannot not wait to bring my sheer brilliance to Fort Myers Beach. By the time I am done with this seven-mile stretch of sand, every single Island resident will understand first-hand why Trump rhymes with Chump!”
The Island Sand Paper staff has waited patiently for April 1st to fall on a Friday, our publication day, ever since 2011 when it last did and we had some fun with a story about a zipline from Seafarer’s to the beach. We hope you enjoy this year’s expanded coverage of foolish stories. The next time April 1st falls on a Friday is in 2022.