The small hamlet of Fort Myers Beach has earned a spot in the Guinness World Record books after yet another weekly newspaper covering Fort Myers Beach opened its doors last week. The Dark Times will publish each Sunday.
Owner Kon Darkly said he was happy to begin publishing in the area again and feels that the existing 14 newspapers just do not do justice to the real news of the beach — immigration problems in Hungary, national drug news and the presidential election.
“I used to own several of those newspapers and if it weren’t for me they wouldn’t be in business. I did my best to run them out of business after I taught them everything I know, but they’re just too slow and ignorant to know when to quit. You know some of them are from states that begin with a vowel — you know those people are not that bright.”
Darkly bragged about his loyal advertiser base.
“My advertisers have been with me for years. They trust me to always do what’s right for them. I take care of them. Why, I even put their ads in my paper when they tell me they don’t want them there. That’s the kind of service I provide!”
When asked whether it might be getting a little crowded with 15 newspaper boxes in many locations, the “Kon” man had an answer.
“I’ll just make room. You know some of those papers just put too many papers in their boxes, so I can help by removing some of them. And I can move the boxes around so mine are in the best spot too. They never thank me, but I’m doing them all a favor.”
Without any reporting staff on board at the outset, Kon will face a challenge in filling his paper with news that local readers want to read.
“Not a problem, I’ll just take a bunch of stuff from the Internet and put it in my paper. Change a few words here and there and presto – it’s my article!
“I also have all those articles from my old newspapers. When I run out of Internet stories, I’ll just take some old articles that I sold to those simpletons and use them in my new paper. They’ll never notice.”
Our interview was cut short when Darkly was called away, saying something about a breach in the wall in Arizona and a couple of drug busts in Turkey.
“Gotta run, my opinion on these breaking news stories is in high demand on Fort Myers Beach.”
The Island Sand Paper staff has waited patiently for April 1st to fall on a Friday, our publication day, ever since 2011 when it last did and we had some fun with a story about a zipline from Seafarer’s to the beach. We hope you enjoy this year’s expanded coverage of foolish stories. The next time April 1st falls on a Friday is in 2022